I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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