I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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