I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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