Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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