I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
