When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
