I cannot find my penis.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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