totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
