this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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