My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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