anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
