the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
