I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
