My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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