you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
