The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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