my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
