he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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