Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
zippers are such a cool invention
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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