i think my tv is drunk
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
