the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
