I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I want to be your penis for a week.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
