If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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