fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
