she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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