what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
