Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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