Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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