the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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