Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
