I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
