So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
