I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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