checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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