Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
