I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
