ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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