you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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