Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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