My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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