I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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