omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
