just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
