It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
