your parents love me but you hate me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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