My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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