how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
