You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
