On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
