I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Pooping to opera.
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